Low Life (Extract)

Hello? Hello?! Eileen, it’s not working.

Try pressing the green button again, Pete.

I’m pressing the green button!

Well what did Michael tell you to do?

Michael said you press these buttons, and then the green button,
which is what I did. And then you wait.

What about the red one?

Hello? Hellooo?

Didn’t Michael say anything about the red one?

Red one? Oh, I don’t know. I’m going to try and give it another go.

I’m putting the kettle on!

Tea, please!
Okay, so, I put the numbers in…

We need some more milk, Pete.

And then the green button…

Pete? We need some more milk!



I have been waiting for your call.

Oh gosh, hello!


Is this Martin at Wainsborough motorway services? It’s Peter.
I was given your name by Becky at the WHSmiths checkout.
I wanted to raise a concern about the long queue for the express coffee machine.

That is not my name.

Where do you want it?
Oh, did you get through?

Yes. Just there’s fine thanks.
Sorry about that Martin. Just the wife bringing me a cup of tea.
No queues at home!

That is not my name.

What’s that?

That is not my name. I am not Martin.

Oh, sorry! Well could you pass me on to Martin then please?

There is no Martin here.

Okay, well it’s important that he hears what I’ve got to say.
Could I leave him a message?

There is no Martin here. I am not Martin. I do not know Martin. Forget Martin. I am Gosh. I have been waiting for your call.

God? That’s funny!

Not God, Gosh. I have been-


Is it that Martin? What’s he saying.

I have been waiting for your call.

Not Martin. Gosh, apparently. He’s been waiting for my call!

Gosh? That’s funny.

Not God, G-oh, wait, yes. It is funny.

He’s been waiting for your call?

You are Peter Brick of 41 Peeley Close, Wainsborough aren’t you? Son of Patricia Samworth and John Brick?

Oh, yes, so I am, yes.

It might be one of those scams,
don’t tell him our address
or your mother’s name!

But I phoned him!

I have some valuable information for your family tree. You are working on the family tree, aren’t you?

When I can.

Then there is a story you must be told.

What’s he saying now?

I need to tell you about your great uncle Stanley, for it is he who makes your very family tree a possibility.

Stanley? Is that Brick, Samworth or Phelan?

Stanley Brick. Middle name Quentin.

Eileen, get the family tree and look up a Stanley.

Is that Brick, Phelan or Samworth?

Brick. Middle name Q.

You won’t find him in there.

Can’t find a Stanley Q. Brick in here.

Apparently you wont find him in there!

Oh, why not?

Why not?

He doesn’t exist yet.

Oh. He doesn’t exist yet.

He doesn’t exist yet? Gosh!

He doesn’t exist yet?

Not by your definition of existence. Let me tell you the story.

Is this one of those prank calls?

I phoned him!

Peter, please. Let me explain. Let me tell you.

Hang on, I think he’s going to explain.

Alright. Drink your tea.


Script Extract: GHOSTS! Prelude


A typical dilapidated apartment block corridor but darker and creepier, with sparse, flickering, lighting.


STACY in skinny jeans and dark polo shirt is walking down to her apartment, exhausted.

The noise grows as she approaches a plain light wood door numbered 113 in mock brass. She fumbles for a key from her pocket and puts it in the lock. Turning it quickly, opening the door fast.


CUT TO: STACY’s lower body slamming the door behind her, leaning her back against it.


STACY’S POV: We see the dark room. The furniture barely visible. A sofa, arm chair, TV on a cabinet, a few bookcases. A window in the background with heavy, purple curtains.

CUT TO: Her body and she moves forward, turning to the wall, reaching for the light switch.

CUT TO: The light switch. Her hand approaches from the bottom left and presses it.

STACY’S POV: As the light turns on. CHARLIE, FRED and other GHOSTS appear from behind the furniture with party hats, streamers, poppers etc.


As the confetti flies, CUT TO Stacy dropping her handbag.

FOLLOW: She walks over to the armchair, sits down, picking up the TV remote, turning it on.


Everything droops. The ghosts look defeated. Charlie mostly. The last piece of confetti falls.

PAN TO: the front door as another ghost, JACK phases through the door, carrying a huge stack of ghost pizza.

I brought pizza!

(firing party popppers)

Party continues. Streamers. Confetti.